Brian Scalabrine is Better Than You

Posted: January 25, 2012 in Sports

Look, I get it.  Brian Scalabrine is fun.  If you’re a Bulls fan, you inevitably get excited when “the White Mamba” enters the game.  There’s something fun about rooting for the guy on the end of the bench, especially when he’s the token white guy with red hair.

But I don’t think there’s anyone who actually takes Brian Scalabrine seriously — like he really was a stud at the Division I level in college, like he really has been in the league for over 10 years, like he simply really is an NBA player.  People disregard this when it comes to the White Mamba.  He’s practically become a joke.  It’s as if we assume the Bulls nabbed him at the local YMCA and it could have very easily been any one of us.  We act like Scalabrine has no skills, no athleticism, no game, and no purpose being in the NBA.  Many of us probably think we could even take him in 1 on 1.

But Brian Scalabrine is better than all of us.  Yes, he’s even better than you.

I know you laugh your head off when his pasty skin checks into the game.  Next time you do that, remember that he’s better than you.

I know you chant his name late in games as if he were the greatest scrub basketball has ever known.  Next time you do that, remember that he’s better than you.

I know you think he gets lucky every time he scores.  Next time you think that, remember that he’s better than you.

And I know some of you think you’re just as good as Scalabrine.  Next time you think that, ask yourself if you can even dribble behind your back.

I hope you know this is satirical.  I’m making a point by exaggeration.  If you think I’m really trying to prove that Brian Scalabrine is better than you, then make fun of me.  I’m just magnifying the common notion concerning the White Mamba these days.  He’s become a joke.  And it’s to the point where we must be reminded that he’s actually an NBA player.  You don’t just land a job in the NBA like you land a job working at Dunkin’ Donuts.

Frankly, Brian Scalabrine has shown some serious flashes of game lately.  Due to a host of injuries, the Bulls have been forced to give Scalabrine some spot minutes and he’s performed greatly.  One thing about his game is undeniable: his basketball IQ is off the charts.  In the past couple games, he’s always in the correct spot on defense, he’s notched a handful of dimes, and he hasn’t forced anything out of his repertoire on offense.  Coach Thibodeau is undoubtedly pleased.

The White Mamba is better than all of us, must we be reminded once more.  He’d throw you around like a rag doll in the post.  He’d take you in H-O-R-S-E by the score of H to H-O-R-S-E.  He’d D you up way better than the all-conference dude who guarded you in high school.  And he could probably even dunk on you and make a poster.

Next time your friend makes fun of Brian Scalabrine, tell him, “Dude, he’s better than you.”  If that doesn’t leave him speechless, then I don’t know what will.

  1. jumpingpolarbear says:

    Brian is great. Love his antics on the bench. And when it is 1 min left on the clock, you know the white mamba will deliver 🙂

  2. Allen Payne says:

    I know he’s better than me even though I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of him.

  3. Sean Breslin says:

    It is funny how he looks like he’d be the last guy picked in a pick-up game at the YMCA, yet he continues to be a great player in the NBA.

  4. k says:

    any HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL PLAYER is probably better than most people

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